BEWARE!!

I call them TIME VAMPIRES!!

They're totally unpredictable and are masters of disguise. As shapeshilfters they can effortlessly morph into a neighbor, co-worker, business associate, family member, friend, priest, rabbi, or even a stranger in need. Any encounter with a Time Vampire ensures the victim will have an frightening experience known as lost time phenomena which is exclusively associated with a Close Encounter of the Fourth Kind.

These anomalies of humankind exist for one reason only; to suck every nanosecond out of your day and they don't stop until you lay motionless like road-kill on a deserted country road or your ears blister and fall off as if you were a leper.

Recently I was enjoying a wonderful afternoon of perfect weather by taking in the sights at my local farmers market. It's a great place to people watch and includes a mini Westminster dog show every Saturday.  The constant parade of perfectly groomed pedigree's, designer dogs, and their not so perfectly groomed owners, always makes me smile and in some instances laugh hysterically; albeit to myself.

I was admiring a handsome senior couple with a magnificently groomed Kerry Blue when she magically materialized as if Scotty from the Star Ship Enterprise beamed her in from somewhere in the ionosphere. She invaded my space like Ulysses S. Grant invaded Georgia and immediately began to incessantly flap her gums like a meth-head who decided snorting a 1/2 gram wasn't enough so for an extra kick shot up 50cc of pure adrenaline. I had heard from several sources she was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs but never realized the extent of her insanity, or Time Vampire powers, until that moment. Without taking a breath, and with the ease of a seasoned filibusterer, she elucidated on every subject from her Encyclopedia of Nothingness with a constant barrage of banality that seemed impossible to accomplish simply from memory.

This affliction is defined in medical journals as Talkus Uninterruptus.

After an hour I tried to speak but my tongue and lips weren’t fast enough to interrupt her overpowering vocal capability of literally talking my head off and as she continued
her verbal assault I began to lose consciousness. The background slowly began to fade out of focus. I could no longer hear. She broke my ears.

At ninety minutes all I could see were her lips moving frantically as they desperately tried to spew out as many sentences as possible before God compassionately cut off her supply of words by striking her dead in mid sentence. The more she spoke the more glued I became to the steps and the wider her eyes became. She talked and talked and talked until all I could see were her bulbous lips protruding like the ass of a woman on a Botero sculpture. It was as if her power could manipulate gravity and hold me captive until either gravity broke free of her grip or my head spontaneously combusted. It was terrifying!!

These types of Time Vampires cannot be killed by any conventional or non-conventional means. The good news is they almost always self-destruct by talking themselves
into believing they’re something special.

As a seasoned Time Vampire her exceptional oratory skills were finely honed by her professional background as a litigation attorney. For years it’s been the legal professions' well kept, dirty little secret, but the word is finally getting out. Most lawyers are in fact Time Vampires. Clue: Billable hours!!

This wasn't my first encounter with a Time Vampire nor would it be the last. Several years ago I worked with a film editor whose Time Vampire powers could trump those of the
Ark of the Covenant. Incredibly adept with Final Cut Pro and every application in the Adobe Master Suite she was brilliant but her personal life was in shambles and her husband,
who suffered from severe manic depression, eventually walked out in the middle of one of her endless soliloquies about Trappist Monks who practice complete silence.

There is good news. When Time Vampires mate their offspring are born without the time consuming gene but the bad news is they mutate into something more horrifying and
absolutely unstoppable. Spending a mere few minutes with these mutants is equivalent to going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson when he was in his prime. They’re human black holes
and will consume your entire being without leaving a trace you ever existed.

They’re known as Energy Vampires!!

More about them later.

djn :)